Cheat Work Thursday

It was more painful than two bus and two train rides. It was dark yet so vivid. It was a huge car but such a tiny space. They were nice words but severed the tie. It was at night and has been waking me up sometimes. It was a merry occasion but felt like a blurry series of events played in slow motion.

I went to The Bench the other day. Sat on my usual spot and looked around. It was not much different from my last visit, a room full of crowd, also the loneliest. That is if you compare the two visits within the past month. If you compare it to my visit five years ago, this place has definitely changed. The crowd and the benches are pretty much the same, but the setting is prettier and the meals are more delicious today. My bench is now moved a bit further off the stage. The plus side is, it takes a lot of pressure off as well. While a new one begins, it's the end of an era.

I miss my parents all the time. Sometimes I miss them so much I can't bring myself to call them because I'm afraid I might choke or cry or something, and that would worry them. What I've never really told anyone, however, I can't stay at their place for long. I have trouble sleeping when I'm there. The room and bed are ok. Omg they are more than ok ! I don't deserve them. I just don't feel... like I'm home (please don't throw things at me). Secretly, the visits feel like going through the motions, a checkbox in my calendar, something that I do on autopilot. This makes me feel guilty. Aren't you supposed to love your parents' place, you don't want to leave? A two-night stay drains my energy, a longer break like raya is torturous, and I'd be counting days and hours in silence. I do try below to help: 1) bring my own pillow, sheet and blanket. 2) tire myself out during the day. 3) and if there are not many people around, sl...

I shouldn't entertain this. But it's there in my head since this morning. Maybe since much earlier than that, but I've always managed to ignore it until it goes away on its own. So it's still there. I think I'm just going to acknowledge it then. I think the sooner I do that, the sooner I can move on. Or maybe because it's already 11PM. Trying to dodge it all day does not stop the wall from closing in. Maybe my brain is just exhausted from the 14 hours of analyzing and being in denial. Maybe I'd feel ok again tomorrow like I always do. Maybe I'm just too tired and sad staring at my Inbox. So I accept that it's just not going to happen today. Funny thing is, I also put the phone on silent mode all day today. I was nervous that it was going to ring. The ringing would make me jump in my seat. As for tonight, I'll just have to crawl into that place for a while. I think I caused this.

I wish I had a more optimistic answer to that question, but I think my answer for now would be: "MmmmmIDon'tThinkSo." But how come? In this time when women have more choices and power and work really hard to get what they want, that answer doesn't fit what we're all working for and sounds so uncool. What are you doing wrong with your life and why? Come back with a better answer. Ok, I don't think that I'm not happy* all the time... In percentage, it's currently at 51% of the time. I wish it were only at my allowance of 2%. I wish I were happier. I wish I were happy at least 98% of the time instead of just 49% now. I can see your eye-roll. I am working on changing things that I'm not happy about. But I admit there are things that I have no idea how to change (or I wish there were an easier way to do it), and there are things that I know how to change but haven't taken the action to change them yet. *I don't know what's the...

A friend from the past just called. The conversation was short, rushed and awkward. The call ended, and I can't describe how relieved I felt. Thirty seconds later, a second call came in. I almost fell off my chair. I wanted to throw my phone out of the window and scream, knowing what's coming -- that we should meet up. 1) I can pretend that I don't see the call and put the phone on silent mode, never picking it up again -- which is stupid. 2) I can pick it up, knowing that I'm weak and will never be able to say no. We'll meet up, and I'll suffer in silent misery. 3) I can pretend that I'm... not well and can only meet up, say... three years from now? I'm not sure which is more stupid. The first one or this one? 4) I can be firm and say no. Can I? Please. I would have more courage to burn my favourite dress than say no for no reason. Two favourite dresses.

(This entry is a mixture of a failed exorcism and Nin Jiom Pei Pa Koa.) One thing about crawling out of a dark place, sometimes you'll find yourself crawling into it again. I did imagine the fallout was going to be awkward. It turned out awkward and funny-ish. Good thing I was pretty numb, and I had a feeling that everyone was just trying to say the right thing . Ok, generally I don't like double standards. I don't want to be rescued, and I love when people speak up as long as I win , but I just felt so exhausted. So I'm ok with some exceptions. Anyway, the holiday with the family went on as usual for the most part: noise, laughter, food. What I didn't realize, however, I'd brought back some monsters home as well. I swear I'd  shipped them all away , and guess what, these tiny monsters showed up to enjoy the holiday with me. Yay . The process of trying to box the monsters back got me into a tiny tangled situation, unfortunately, which I had no idea ho...

Sometimes my daydream includes getting away from my routine and getting paid doing something else on a short-term basis (I'm a lil' embarrassed saying 'my routine' here, tbh). So, once in a while, I'll be looking for other types of assignments , like  babysitting or painting kindergarten walls . Not exactly those, but let's just use them as examples. So I've been trying to get this painting job for ages to no avail. The idea is, if a mural job pays you 1k, and soon after you are asked to paint for their 30 branches all over Malaysia, that's 30 0 k for you! Unfortunately, after years, no one seemed to be needing my painting services, but I kept e-mailing the Painting Agency anyway, hoping for the next opportunity. They've never bothered to reply, until today! I've almost forgotten that I've been marketing myself to them for years because the constant e-mailing is hardly a hard work anymore. I can send the e-mail nowadays even if I...

A bit about last month -- after about a week of staring at the ceiling, I finally got out of the bed and spent the following week... taking care of others, if you can believe that 🤷🏻‍♀️. So I spent the night for one whole week at my sister's place while my brother-in-law was abroad: keeping everyone company, babysitting my nieces, sending them to their tuition classes, making sure they have their dinner, even organizing a tiny picnic party. (My sister's currently taking her degree, her classes are at nights, and it was the exam month. So I was officially The House Manager for a week and would still be at my desk at 9 daily, which, by the way, is about 55 kilometres from their house.) It went well. I think. No, I know they had a good time having me around. They should . (And when I say picnic party, it usually involves no more than six attendees, and the menu is usually what is offered by 7-Eleven and roadside stalls.) (I also spent a couple of hours helping my other s...

I spent the whole week last week nursing my depression trying to clear my mind. I switched my mobile phone off most of the time and tried to run in the afternoon the whole week. Managed to do the latter for a total of three hours on Thursday alone -- yippee. Nothing changed on the scale, though. Maybe because I only ran during the first 10 minutes and just had a breezy walk for the other 170. Though funny thing about switching off your phone, now, suddenly , the whole world is looking for you. Sometimes I am all optimistic and realize that there's nothing that I cannot do to turn things around, while another minute I just want to sit in one corner feeling like a total loser, at least until some sense of humour kicks in. I'm not blaming circumstances nor regretting my decision. I just think I have not done enough.

Doll-bin dropped by my place last Thursday, and we talked for a bit, mostly about the tough economy and how we've been affected so far. I hadn't seen her in a while. A few things have changed (and a few others still haven't) since we last met. I didn't know what was the right thing to say when I learned about her twins' condition. These past few months, each time I feel like I'm at a dead end, when doors are slammed in my face or when I feel people are not acting like they usually do anymore, I feel so dizzy I could puke. Years from now or hopefully sooner, when things get better, maybe then I'll be able to look at these moments again with a laugh. Will it really get better in time ? Here's to good news, I'll make them visit soon.

So my voice squeaks and I may speak super fast when I'm nervous. My pupils dilate when... I never took note of this, but my guess they do when they see pretty clothes. Just like body language, body functions and appearance often speak louder than words. Every coughing, sneezing and under eye circle is telling us something. Even our hair and nails confess things that we don't want people to know. Ok, not that I know if hair can tell if you have a chronic disease or something, but I think it can tell the last time you really took care of yourself. Joy, pain, distress and lifestyle do not have poker face. They show. Though often they are lost in translation.

Huge chance you can. But it's harder to do that with yourself. Plus, the (probably) fine line separating the two can be pushed either way, depending on your culture and life values. Nevertheless, there's always some universally accepted common sense.

Since August began, I kept having to coax myself to stay focused on many social interactions lasting more than 10 minutes (or, in some cases, 2). Somehow the interest energy is gone, and I just feel exhausted. At first, this only happened on the occasions when there were too many people screaming "Me! Me! Me!" Then it started to tire me out for many other things that I usually enjoy as well. So I had to pass the high tea with the girls that I met during one of the travels, the Friday Lunch with Jones even after she mentioned the gift she bought me, and the dinner for... err... I don't know, Gene 's homecoming after two months in Europe(?) And I've never ordered in this much in a month. The takeout collage I made (because art) while mulling over if there's correlation between fast food and energy. Nevertheless, I looked forward to my eldest sister being in town on Monday and Tuesday for work. So, we and the rest of the younger siblings met for di...

I've been trying to complete an assignment for the past couple of weeks and, unfortunately, as at now it still has a lot more to go than I expected. My back pain doesn't help either. This time it doesn't involve my leg, but it goes from my right shoulder to my waist (still on the right side of my body?). And it's the kind of ache you get after a day of picking up heavy things. Too much computer? Bad posture? Ave urged me to go see a doctor. Normally, such advice wouldn't faze me, but somehow the way she put it managed to scare me. What? Does she know something? I'm tired of squeezing my brain too, but I haven't given up on the assignment yet. I think. So naturally, I turned my PC and mobile off, took the longest of nap and lazed in bed all day like I hadn't slept for days, woke up and worked out a little, before taking the longest hot shower and sitting in front of the TV. So I watched all the news yesterday, CSI NY (mostly just Flack and his ...

When I was in school, my ambition was everything under the sun. From architecture, fashion design and advertising to -- phew, this one came up when I was in primary school, I think -- lecturing. Haha. (Don't get me wrong. Lecturers are cool people. I'm just not cut out to be one.) I don't remember where I stood, exactly, when the time came to finally choose a college, though I always knew that I enjoyed doing creative work. The only thing I remember clearly was I wanted to study in the UK. Somehow, I couldn't apply for architecture, so I did accounting instead. Yes, some people want to be doctors and make tons of money save people's lives, I'll study anything to see Europe. After my A-Levels and its mediocre results, the economy made me complete my studies locally. So I'm neither an architect nor did I study in the UK. Dusts hands.

That incident made me couldn't sleep again last night. Tried a few things but none helped. I waited until 4 for McDonald's. Unfortunately, the one in the area had some inventory(?) issues. So I drove 5km to another and had a Big Breakfast in the car, in the restaurant's parking lot. Went home at about 5 and forced myself to get some sleep while still not feeling like a good person.

Over a dinner, two friends and I talked about the so-called annual getaway that we apparently  owe ourselves. We also talked about the year we drove north and the following year to the east coast -- the clear green and blue water and its beautiful creatures beneath. I still laugh looking at all my the ugly pictures. So I reminded them again of the ticket on sale that I saw on the internet. One of them suggested we wait until next year; she's just bought an apartment. Right. (Maybe I'm secretly missing the few spur-of-the-moment trips that I had with another friend with only the clothes on our backs. Some things are better not repeated, I guess.) I get it. Priority. Plus, work can't just be left with a short notice, says another friend. I should get that too. I was once that person who left the office at midnight and was back at her desk at 4 in the morning. Should I just go and travel alone, then? (And the furthest that I've ever ‘travelled’ on my own ...

Shopaholic & Baby, the paperback, is still not released* yet, and I still refuse to buy the twice-the-price hardcover. (*I'm so holding my life until it is.) (It was sad to learn about the passing of Sidney Sheldon earlier this year. I've read all his books. Going to miss reading for the new ones.) I read John Grisham's The Innocent Man a while ago. If you've read it, you may find it gripping or... boring(?). I was hooked till the last page and couldn't get it out of my head for a few days. The book tells the horrific true story of Ron Williamson, who was wrongly convicted for rape and murder, strapping him to the death row for 11 years. Before the poor choices got him into trouble, and the series of losing hope and untreated illness, this guy was once a baseball star in his youth and blessed with a family that loved and supported him unconditionally. Imagine the different life paths each of us could have with one variable changed. There are times whe...

On my super motivated days, I'm a firm believer that life is about (God willing) choices. Outcome is the product of your action. But deciding IS hard. I wish it was not that hard to - choose a new place. I'm tired of looking around and still not able to decide on any that fit my budget needs. - pull the plug on some relationships. Two persons struggling to connect amid growing differences (or boredom) isn't a happy sight.