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I miss my parents all the time. Sometimes I miss them so much I can't bring myself to call them because I'm afraid I might choke or cry or something, and that would worry them.

What I've never really told anyone, however, I can't stay at their place for long. I have trouble sleeping when I'm there. The room and bed are ok. Omg they are more than ok! I don't deserve them. I just don't feel... like I'm home (please don't throw things at me). Secretly, the visits feel like going through the motions, a checkbox in my calendar, something that I do on autopilot.

This makes me feel guilty. Aren't you supposed to love your parents' place, you don't want to leave?

A two-night stay drains my energy, a longer break like raya is torturous, and I'd be counting days and hours in silence.

I do try below to help:
1) bring my own pillow, sheet and blanket.
2) tire myself out during the day.
3) and if there are not many people around, sleep in the living room with the TV on.

Last weekend, I was at my parents' place again but didn't bring my pillow and the whole house like usual.

We spent one whole day Saturday travelling and running errands. So, level of tiredness was good.

12AM, I switched the lights off, lay down in front of the TV with blanket and pillow, and didn't take long to fall asleep.

3AM, my father came out.

"Why do you sleep with the TV on? Nanti tak nyenyak tidur..."

OMG I was nyenyak 10 seconds ago!

Too complicated to explain. Switched the TV off. Stared at the ceiling until 4.

4AM, I got up and did some reading on my laptop.

(Could not turn the TV on -- I'd fall asleep and my father would be awake at 5. It's a vicious cycle.)

5AM, did laundry.

6AM, sembahyang Subuh, among the earliest in my life.

7AM, hung clothes outside.

It was sad to leave parents alone again yesterday.

It sounds wrong to be so happy being back at my place again, but if I'm being honest, I feel the safest here. Slept like a baby last night. I hope it's a great morning today.

Image: knockknockstuff.com