Cheat Work Thursday

"IT'S A FICKLE, FICKLE GAME" Finale, reunion and S31 returning cast reveal -- thank God my heart handled it well. This is like all national holidays happening at once, and you are enjoying them on coffee and candy. Final Five The final five intro describes Will as a player who "is not afraid to break the rules", and the episode starts on the night of Dan's vote. "And there is still four going out there. How is that even possible?" - Mike, not invited, when the other four quickly gather, debriefing. Good lines: " Why didn't you tell us you had the idol? That's like a mistrust to all of us. We are supposed to be in an alliance. " - Rodney, complaining to Carolyn after he and the rest, except for Mike, voted for her. Carolyn keeps her cool and just plays along, and when she says, "All of you voted for me!" Rodney cuts her off and says, " I know, but do you understand... " OMG could you die laug...

"MY WORD IS MY BOND" We start the episode on the night of Tyler's vote with Dan describing Mike, among other things, condescending. Sigh. Then, Carolyn, wanting to expand her options and gain a new ally, tells Mike about Dan's extra vote advantage. At the reward challenge, it's still Rodney's birthday (kick yourself if you don't believe it), and Jeff holds a mini tribal council discussing this important event and the appropriate expectation. The challenge, obstacle course plus puzzle, apparently went on for over an hour. Standing under the sun that long, squeezing your brain is, ugh, not fun. I'd request to do it sitting down under a tree nearby. Sierra, in the same team with Dan and Rodney, says "fixin'" at one point, and the team shoots it down. Jeff throws some clues, and when he says don't worry about the grammar, Rodney thought it was "A reward that will fix wishin'". Of course, the winning team is not ...

"HOLDING ON FOR DEAR LIFE" So, the emotionless, ok-on-Twitter TFreddy leaves the game. What a shame. Let's go back a few days. The episode starts with an Axis of Evil board meeting, discussing the two votes for Dan at tribal. Tyler and Will separately admit it to Dan that they voted for him, and Dan says he gets it. But I don't understand the admission coming from Will, "Tyler wrote your name down. I wrote your name down because I thought everybody's voting Tyler. I want to split it." Huh? Maybe it's just me, but I don't get it. Meh, does it even matter? The next morning, the most important day in the history of mankind arrives: it's Rodney's birthday! He rants about being stuck on the beach for 30 days, doing the same thing over and over, so he's really looking forward to the reward. "You need it, and if I have to give it up for you to go, I'm gonna do it." - Will, assuring Rodney of his spot. We know Rod...

"SURVIVOR RUSSIAN ROULETTE" Let's go straight to the reward challenge: And what on earth is Mike doing, lying on the barrel? Apparently, that was what they did in Nicaragua: rolling the barrel on its side (but not lying on it). But if it was me, I probably would set them straight up like the Red team too. When Mike starts holding the three barrels with his body and almost does a split at one point, it's so painfully funny to watch the Blue team, I want to look away but obviously couldn't 🙊🚆🎉. If that's not enough, at the last section, each of them tries to individually roll on the barrel to the finish line and fails ceremoniously. Also, somebody, please explain to me how to use the rope in this challenge. Good line: " You can give your spot to Rodney if you want ." - Jeff, when Dan, in his sad Dan Voice, says he feels bad that Rodney has not been on a reward yet. Good line back at camp: " I haven't been able to leave thi...

"BRING THE POPCORN" Last week I laughed out loud at Rodney's impersonation. This week I'm tearing up at Shirin's story. The episode starts by kicking off a chain of disasters for Mike. In a meeting with Carolyn, Tyler and Will; Rodney, with passion, suggests that they blindside Mike next. And this conversation is overheard by Mike. Good line: " Good thought. Pause it and we'll come back and revisit it. " - Lmao. The Audacity of Tyler Fredrickson: A Memoir. Then we move to #traderjeffs for the auction. Before finding out that there were food and drink stashed for Will at camp, I thought the show making him pay $100 just to send him back to the camp five seconds into the auction was just mean. People come to the auction for the fun. Ask Max, it's one of his Survivor goals. Although it might have dented the fun for this season's auction, I guess it could be good for future seasons', keeping players on their toes. A lot of othe...

"LIVIN' ON THE EDGE" I should stop jinxing these people. We start the episode on the night of Hali's vote. A cute furry animal with plenty of swag wanders around the land of Merica just before the players get back. Or this could be footage from another time. Still, great cameo. Good lines: " I don't agree with Dan when he says flippers don't win. Flippers win the game at the right time with proper blindside. " - Rodney. I'm not sure how true that is, but any line of Rodney explaining strategy is a good line to me. Then Dan continues berating Shirin, and Shirin promises to vote for Mike when Mike gets to the end, which can also be read as "You hear that, everyone? Mike's a jury threat now" if you want to. The preview promised that the players would be falling on their faces at this week's reward challenge. What a delicious treat to see starving, no-bed, no-shower people to suffer some more. But the preview doesn...

"KEEP IT REAL" "Rodney's plan", no matter how much you want to dismiss it, may actually work for him, Will, Carolyn and -- now out of nowhere -- Tyler. And if it does, I'm going to lose faith in what is right in the world. I've been taught all my life that kind, selfless, non-misogynistic people are those going to be rewarded in the end. If Rodney makes it to the final four, do I need to relearn life? Ugh, I don't want to! The episode starts on the morning of day 20 in Merica, when several of its citizens argue about rice portion and salami skin, and possibly one unsuspecting tree gets punched a few minutes after. Then, from Rodney's gross comments, the episode moves swimmingly to the reward challenge. Joe wins the challenge and brings Tyler, Will, Carolyn and Shirin for an afternoon of ziplining and pizza lunch. The first of the many good lines said during the reward: " Start braking. (You are) coming in way too fast. " - ...

"THE LINE WILL BE DRAWN TONIGHT" Right after last tribal, Mike, who knows the importance of reeling people back to him, does some damage control exercise with Rodney for leaving Rodney out of Joaquin's vote. Rodney tells Mike he was "just putting on his DeNiro" to the other side. So, is Rodney Tom Brady or DeNiro? We aren't sure. For now, though, Rodney also admits that he's just going to be Mike's bitch. They merge the next day. They stuff their faces with food, gossip about Joaquin and start over with a new shelter at the Escameca beach. And I can't really keep track of the alliances at this point. The most random one, rallied by Rodney, who wants to seek revenge for Joaquin, includes Carolyn, Will and Kelly. I don't care about his reason, but I did pause for a few seconds, processing this combination and the fact that those three didn't seem to dismiss the idea either. Dan gets stung by a jellyfish the next day, and Jenn ask...

"ODD WOMAN OUT" I. Can't. Pick. A. Winner. But let's go back a few days. The moment Dan's manties story is brought back, I start to worry if this is a theme. If we are to repeat conversations, it can only mean Rodney's mother is going to be brought up soon. I'm sure this woman is amazing and wonderful, but the last time Rodney mentioned her, he practically asked Joe to hit on her. And that's just the icing on the cake of Rodney's relationship with his mother and women. I don't think I can take any more of these. Rodney also can't find anything in common with Dan, Mike and Sierra because the three are from Maine, Texas and Utah. He especially can't be in an alliance with Mike because Mike goes to church on Sundays, is celibate, and doesn't drink and party. Rodney is into "girls, having fun, partying and not settling down". But he does "swear to God" and still loves Joaquin, although they are both like ...

"WINNER WINNER, CHICKEN DINNER" & "WE'RE FINALLY PLAYING SOME SURVIVOR" It's a two-hour tribe-switching and double elimination episode. And the casualties are Lindsey and Max. Let's go back a few days. People are arguing again at the Blue Collar camp. It's Rodney and his misogynistic comments vs Lindsey and Sierra. I'm not going to write the comments down. I can't even with Rodney. I don't understand how he's not embarrassed of himself. Dan and Mike do try to outdo Rodney, but Rodney is still ahead of the pack. Apparently, he's #imtombrady. At the first tribal, the vote goes 2-2-2 Lindsey-Sierra-Rodney. And on the revote, Mike, Dan and Kelly vote for Lindsey, sending Lindsey home and alienating Sierra from the tribe. Good lines: "I'm walking off this island because I hurt a man's ego. I'm not going to apologize, not to myself, not to anybody else, not today, not tomorrow, not ever. I ...

"CRAZY IS AS CRAZY DOES" Dan, you DID NOT just say that. You are on Survivor, a game in which it's crucial you watch how you act and react. You are not even drunk, and you are a grown man. How did the conversation go from random to that ? Why would anybody say that in any situation at all? Coexisting is not an easy feat. Some people would insist a medal for it. At the Blue Collar camp, they argue about work ethics. But when Lindsey says, "Did your God come down here (and cook the rice)?", another line is officially crossed. I don't get these people. Now we also know that Rodney doesn't want to be Mike's Junior Deputy Firewood Bitch. But at the No Collar camp, Survivor finally looks like a vacation when Jenn and Hali go surfing. And of course Joe knows sign language. (Forget the fact that he practically blew two challenges in a row,) Joe knows everything and everyone likes Joe. Speaking of blowing challenges, No Collar loses immunity again ...

"IT WILL BE MY REVENGE" In this episode, Dan lost his manties, Nina cried because she was not invited to a skinny-dipping party, and Max and Shirin went naked. Shirin did it while cleaning their pot. She almost fell literally on her ass at one point. Speaking of being naked on TV, I wish Mike had stopped obsessing over firewood already. Is this a Survivor reference as well? Is he entrusted with the task of being Butch 2.0? Are we going to see the huge bonfire next week? If that's the case, I demand a Junior Deputy Firewood Bitch be named. And Joe 's edit should downplay his charm. He's not in the Miss Congeniality contest. I now feel for Vince a little. Maybe he just doesn't want to get diabetes from all of Joe's sweetness. Thank God, the men are finally given their shorts. I can't take their underwear anymore. Or in Dan's case, t-shirt, because the ocean has already taken care of the manties. Stop trying to figure out which t-shirt hole...

"IT'S SURVIVOR WARFARE" Throw the confetti because my favourite holiday is here: the new season of Survivor premiere day. Worlds Apart: White Collar vs Blue Collar vs No Colla r divides the players into three tribes, apparently, based on their jobs and the way they view life. I'm going to blog the highlights of every episode in probably incoherent paragraphs on here because as much as I love the show -- I need to talk about it -- I'm also lazy. So, we start the season with my favourite line of the episode, which is from Vince Sly, the no collar, contractually free-spirited coconut vendor: "As a coconut vendor, I seek truth." He also lists "Life Coach" as his job. That explains his human, human question, sniffing, and long hug. My second favourite line is from Joaquin, the white collar who's going for the million dollars for the: "... fast money, loose women, lots of champagne." I love that they have to choose which...