The Fake Bachelor, Episode 1
(The whole series here.)
INTRO
The season starts with Scha walking on the beach, looking forlornly into the sea, recalling her heartbreak two and a half weeks ago. After a full three seconds, to the whole nation's relief, she turns to the camera, smiling and twirling, ready for a new chapter in her life.
"I believe in the process. My experience in the last Fake Bachelorette tells me that I'm ready to find love, and now that I get a second chance at it, I'm going to take it. Even if it means putting the job that I love and have worked very hard for second. I, too, deserve my fairy-tale ending."
We are then introduced to a number of the Bachelors: Eric Trainer works out twice a day; Greg Manager is shown packing his hair products and tells the camera on his way out, "Scha, I'm coming for you!"; the handsome Patrick Model tells us about the sad day he lost his cat Pebble eight years ago; and the successful Matt Lawyer moans that despite all his winnings in the courtroom and jet-setting lifestyle, "something is missing".
LIMO EXITS
First out of the limo is Patrick Model because he's handsome and dapper. He doesn't say much, which is understandably not needed.
Patrick is followed by Greg Manager, who tells Scha that just like her, he also left his job to find love. He ends his introduction with an awkward punny joke about "love and job and station" or something. I can't bring myself to rewind.
Blake Consultant tells Scha that he has so much love for himself, he feels that it is time somebody else gets to share the overflowing emotion.
Ryan Asian tells Scha that he's "here to fulfill a quota". No one knows what that means, but everyone awkwardly skips any follow up question.
Justin Analyst arrives in a bunny suit, sounding extra nervous and suspiciously half-drunk.
Chris Singer rides a giraffe (because it's Scha's favourite animal, duh) and volunteers to sing.
Eric Trainer proudly announces that he's strong and asks Scha to turn around because he has a surprise for her. Without warning, he proceeds to lift and throw Scha into the air because what stranger doesn't want to receive that kind of physical contact.
Matt Lawyer walks in bringing a bottle of expensive Champagne, toasting the first day of their life together.
The last one out is Ben Sales. Everything Ben Sales says is all magic and correct, except for this one tiny line which does not even matter because upon realizing this mistake, he quickly pauses and asks for a redo, but not without closing his eyes thoughtfully for a few seconds as if searching for a cue card stored in his brain. Perfection. Front-runner alert.
We might have missed someone here, but never mind, because Scha has already walked into the room, greeted with a cheer by the men. She is visibly excited and thanks everyone for taking the time out of their lives and makes a toast to their "quest" together.
"I believe my future husband is in this room," she says beamingly, which gives us the viewers at home major goosebumps.
NIGHT ONE
"Scha is beyond beautiful."
"When she walks into the room, you know, it's so amazing to be able to see her smile. She lights up the whole room."
"She has all the qualities that I want in a wife."
The first one to grab Scha is Ben Sales. However, before they even get to sit down, they are interrupted by Blake Consultant, who wants to "steal her for a second." They continue trying to steal Scha from each other for the next five minutes after that, not realizing that she's stolen by Matt Lawyer in the process, who then disappears with Scha to the back of the house.
Meanwhile, Chris Singer not only manages to find himself a corner to sing and kill the long waiting time, but also a new fan in Justin Analyst, who is, to be honest, halfway to passing out.
After what looks like him solving a long Maths problem in his head and remembering a clue, Ben Sales rushes to the backyard and finally gets to steal Scha.
"I'm ready to open up and be vulnerable," he announces, grabbing Scha by the face, and they proceed to kiss.
"I have butterflies in my stomach. My relationship with Ben Sales has moved up to a level way higher than any of my relationships with the other guys," Scha says in Confessional.
I know. It's something in Ben Sales; his actions and words are all right, chemistry-builders. So it is no surprise that he immediately receives the First Impression Rose.
But that doesn't mean Scha has completely stopped spending time with the other guys. She especially has a good laugh with Blake Consultant and describes Ryan Asian as "smart and funny" in Confessional.
However, as the Rose Ceremony gets nearer, she's clearly upset at the fact that she's about to send "some amazing men" home.
"I didn't think it was going to be this hard," she says in Confessional, with hands over her head, in between uncontrollable sobs.
Nevertheless, the Rose Ceremony must go on.
ROSE CEREMONY
Patrick Model, Matt Lawyer, Ryan Asian, Blake Consultant, Justin Analyst and Chris Singer get a rose. We have one rose left on the table, with none on Greg Manager and Eric Trainer as pointed out by Nick Host, who finally makes an appearance for the night. That gets to Scha, and she runs out of the room, crying.
As the men mouth "what's going on" to each other in the room, Scha hides behind the gazebo, sobbing with no signs of stopping.
"I can't do this anymore. This is too hard," she tells a producer as more cameras zoom in on her cheeks.
"I don't want to send anyone home."
Nick Host appears again and proves his pay by working overtime that night, consoling Scha.
"Scha, you are in charge here. You can do whatever you want, you know, as long as you send at least eight of them by the final episode. You don't have to send anyone home tonight. There's a clause in the contract allowing you to do that." And that's apparently enough to bring light back to Scha's face.
The Great Host walks back to the room and addresses the men.
"Gentlemen, Scha has decided not to send anyone home tonight because she sees a lot of potential in this room. This shows how serious she is about finding a husband."
Scha is then given an extra rose, walks into the room smiling, pins the roses on both Greg and Eric, and Champagne is immediately being wheeled out. As glasses start to clink, the mood in the room instantly changes.
"Scha, you forgot to give a rose to Ben Analyst," we hear Nick Host whispering to Scha on camera.
"He got the First Impression Rose."
"That was Ben S. Ben Sales. There's another Ben. Ben A. Ben Analyst."
"The Analyst is Justin."
"There are two Analysts. Justin and Ben," Nick Host explains as they sip their Champagne quietly, exchanging wide-eyed glances.
Nah, it was a tiny glitch. It doesn't matter to us at home, anyway, as we take a huge sigh of relief, toasting to hope and true love.
OTHER HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE NIGHT:
In Confessional, Patrick Model contemplates telling Scha about Pebble as it is clearly a huge emotional life chapter for him and is still hard for him to talk about. But he understands that if he is to propose to Scha by the end of the show, he needs to share the story with her.
Ryan Asian seems to be the most level-headed and well-liked by the men. He talks about his fun job in tech but not in such a detailed manner like, say, Blake and Matt do.
Blake, Matt, Ryan, Ben.
Blake Consultant is friendly, and half funny and half loud. At one point, he gets into a tiny heated conversation with Matt Lawyer, arguing about the best suit maker or something.
At first mixing the drinks just "to be polite" to the busy bartender on duty, Greg Manager ends up manning the bar and is quite a hit throughout the night.
Eric Trainer, who on four out of five times slips and calls Scha "Ma'am", has the most fun. He does three gym sessions by the time the night ends.
Chris Singer is busy too, composing five songs, one titled My Sweet Drunk Bunny.
See ya next week.
INTRO
The season starts with Scha walking on the beach, looking forlornly into the sea, recalling her heartbreak two and a half weeks ago. After a full three seconds, to the whole nation's relief, she turns to the camera, smiling and twirling, ready for a new chapter in her life.
"I believe in the process. My experience in the last Fake Bachelorette tells me that I'm ready to find love, and now that I get a second chance at it, I'm going to take it. Even if it means putting the job that I love and have worked very hard for second. I, too, deserve my fairy-tale ending."
We are then introduced to a number of the Bachelors: Eric Trainer works out twice a day; Greg Manager is shown packing his hair products and tells the camera on his way out, "Scha, I'm coming for you!"; the handsome Patrick Model tells us about the sad day he lost his cat Pebble eight years ago; and the successful Matt Lawyer moans that despite all his winnings in the courtroom and jet-setting lifestyle, "something is missing".
LIMO EXITS
First out of the limo is Patrick Model because he's handsome and dapper. He doesn't say much, which is understandably not needed.
Patrick is followed by Greg Manager, who tells Scha that just like her, he also left his job to find love. He ends his introduction with an awkward punny joke about "love and job and station" or something. I can't bring myself to rewind.
Blake Consultant tells Scha that he has so much love for himself, he feels that it is time somebody else gets to share the overflowing emotion.
Ryan Asian tells Scha that he's "here to fulfill a quota". No one knows what that means, but everyone awkwardly skips any follow up question.
Justin Analyst arrives in a bunny suit, sounding extra nervous and suspiciously half-drunk.
Chris Singer rides a giraffe (because it's Scha's favourite animal, duh) and volunteers to sing.
Eric Trainer proudly announces that he's strong and asks Scha to turn around because he has a surprise for her. Without warning, he proceeds to lift and throw Scha into the air because what stranger doesn't want to receive that kind of physical contact.
Matt Lawyer walks in bringing a bottle of expensive Champagne, toasting the first day of their life together.
The last one out is Ben Sales. Everything Ben Sales says is all magic and correct, except for this one tiny line which does not even matter because upon realizing this mistake, he quickly pauses and asks for a redo, but not without closing his eyes thoughtfully for a few seconds as if searching for a cue card stored in his brain. Perfection. Front-runner alert.
We might have missed someone here, but never mind, because Scha has already walked into the room, greeted with a cheer by the men. She is visibly excited and thanks everyone for taking the time out of their lives and makes a toast to their "quest" together.
"I believe my future husband is in this room," she says beamingly, which gives us the viewers at home major goosebumps.
NIGHT ONE
"When she walks into the room, you know, it's so amazing to be able to see her smile. She lights up the whole room."
"She has all the qualities that I want in a wife."
The first one to grab Scha is Ben Sales. However, before they even get to sit down, they are interrupted by Blake Consultant, who wants to "steal her for a second." They continue trying to steal Scha from each other for the next five minutes after that, not realizing that she's stolen by Matt Lawyer in the process, who then disappears with Scha to the back of the house.
Meanwhile, Chris Singer not only manages to find himself a corner to sing and kill the long waiting time, but also a new fan in Justin Analyst, who is, to be honest, halfway to passing out.
After what looks like him solving a long Maths problem in his head and remembering a clue, Ben Sales rushes to the backyard and finally gets to steal Scha.
"I'm ready to open up and be vulnerable," he announces, grabbing Scha by the face, and they proceed to kiss.
"I have butterflies in my stomach. My relationship with Ben Sales has moved up to a level way higher than any of my relationships with the other guys," Scha says in Confessional.
I know. It's something in Ben Sales; his actions and words are all right, chemistry-builders. So it is no surprise that he immediately receives the First Impression Rose.
But that doesn't mean Scha has completely stopped spending time with the other guys. She especially has a good laugh with Blake Consultant and describes Ryan Asian as "smart and funny" in Confessional.
However, as the Rose Ceremony gets nearer, she's clearly upset at the fact that she's about to send "some amazing men" home.
"I didn't think it was going to be this hard," she says in Confessional, with hands over her head, in between uncontrollable sobs.
Nevertheless, the Rose Ceremony must go on.
ROSE CEREMONY
Patrick Model, Matt Lawyer, Ryan Asian, Blake Consultant, Justin Analyst and Chris Singer get a rose. We have one rose left on the table, with none on Greg Manager and Eric Trainer as pointed out by Nick Host, who finally makes an appearance for the night. That gets to Scha, and she runs out of the room, crying.
As the men mouth "what's going on" to each other in the room, Scha hides behind the gazebo, sobbing with no signs of stopping.
"I can't do this anymore. This is too hard," she tells a producer as more cameras zoom in on her cheeks.
"I don't want to send anyone home."
Nick Host appears again and proves his pay by working overtime that night, consoling Scha.
"Scha, you are in charge here. You can do whatever you want, you know, as long as you send at least eight of them by the final episode. You don't have to send anyone home tonight. There's a clause in the contract allowing you to do that." And that's apparently enough to bring light back to Scha's face.
The Great Host walks back to the room and addresses the men.
"Gentlemen, Scha has decided not to send anyone home tonight because she sees a lot of potential in this room. This shows how serious she is about finding a husband."
Scha is then given an extra rose, walks into the room smiling, pins the roses on both Greg and Eric, and Champagne is immediately being wheeled out. As glasses start to clink, the mood in the room instantly changes.
"Scha, you forgot to give a rose to Ben Analyst," we hear Nick Host whispering to Scha on camera.
"He got the First Impression Rose."
"That was Ben S. Ben Sales. There's another Ben. Ben A. Ben Analyst."
"The Analyst is Justin."
"There are two Analysts. Justin and Ben," Nick Host explains as they sip their Champagne quietly, exchanging wide-eyed glances.
Nah, it was a tiny glitch. It doesn't matter to us at home, anyway, as we take a huge sigh of relief, toasting to hope and true love.
OTHER HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE NIGHT:
In Confessional, Patrick Model contemplates telling Scha about Pebble as it is clearly a huge emotional life chapter for him and is still hard for him to talk about. But he understands that if he is to propose to Scha by the end of the show, he needs to share the story with her.
Ryan Asian seems to be the most level-headed and well-liked by the men. He talks about his fun job in tech but not in such a detailed manner like, say, Blake and Matt do.
Blake Consultant is friendly, and half funny and half loud. At one point, he gets into a tiny heated conversation with Matt Lawyer, arguing about the best suit maker or something.
At first mixing the drinks just "to be polite" to the busy bartender on duty, Greg Manager ends up manning the bar and is quite a hit throughout the night.
Eric Trainer, who on four out of five times slips and calls Scha "Ma'am", has the most fun. He does three gym sessions by the time the night ends.
Chris Singer is busy too, composing five songs, one titled My Sweet Drunk Bunny.
See ya next week.
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